I married my wife Kathy last year. I’d been a celebrant for twenty years and began to notice a wistful envy for my clients and the journey of commitment and intimacy that they were on.
My marriage taught me about the realities of weddings, things I knew of abstractly, but now really knew!
Stress
I have long been aware of the amount of stress that can be involved in a wedding. I had sagely advised my couples to make sure you take time to be as restful as possible for the big day, but to really experience the reality of a wedding was another thing. Kathy ended up with shingles in the days after our wedding. I had a couple of flus in the month after. Marriage is an intense experience, a whirlpool of emotions, practical needs, constant demands and countless tasks.
Destination weddings
My own wedding was a sort of destination wedding, in that we returned to my former home of Findhorn to marry. Every detail, every bite to eat, every flower, every drink, piece of cutlery, chair or table (and cloth) had to be sourced and planned for. Some from continents away and some in the 3 weeks when we landed in Scotland beforehand. This was also a community wedding, in that it took place in a community, supported by community friends and for budget and feel reasons, didn’t involve outsourcing work other than the cooking. And it was stunning and just full of love, the flowers, drinks, care taken was the rich reward when community step up to provide and offer their labour. And if you can afford to pay others for setting up work, it’s also easier!
Hosting
As a celebrant in Hong Kong, every wedding I celebrated would involve family flying in, even if one half of the couple was local there was one half not. Family and friends would expect to be hosted, so a wedding would often be a family get-together where even sightseeing was involved. I would tell my couples to delegate, delegate, and try to remember the importance of the ceremony and being fresh, but it’s hard. The week before our wedding people started to arrive, and of course they expect time and presence as well as some needed picking up. All this as you prepare for the big day. Ideally the bride especially should be ready to receive and be open, not having to host and worry about seating arrangements (yes have seen that). When people come from abroad there isn’t much choice other than to anticipate their expectations and needs to spend time with you and try to carve out some time for yourself.
We tried to delegate as much as we could, giving info on B&Bs, setting up group meals for social moments, but a few folk still needed support without realising just how full life was.
And it’s all ok
I would not change an item of my wedding. Rites of passage are often challenging, that’s the nature of it, you go through an extreme time, an endurance in a way, and you emerge out of it changed, that is the point of a wedding, to lay the foundation for a new beginning, and part of it is just the stress of the moment.
Hiccups and bumps
We thought we had a wonderful cook for our wedding, but she pulled out a few months before. We ended up finding an absolute gem, Antonia from Ukraine, whose food and frankly presence was an even greater blessing on us and all our attendees. There is no way around things not quite going to plan, so a wedding is an intense learning to get out the way and in the flow of what is.
There will always be something, be generous and let it move on by.
Numbers
I was 60 when I remarried, and I thought clearer than in my youth about limits, but I was still surprised by how much pressure family can put on you regarding who is to attend. We had a natural size limit, in that our room could only accommodate over forty or so. Yet there it was, last minute pressure to include so and so, I laugh writing about it, as I did at the time, even when I explained it was full. Family can be family doing their thing, and other people are simply quietly generous. My advice is to have your wedding as you want it, with who you want. A ceremony is sacred, and only those you wish for should be there.
Allowing for the unintended
We mixed our ceremony with my best friend Lance as celebrant, and a legal registrar wedding in the local Sheriff’s courts (as they are called in Scotland). Truthfully we didn’t put too much thought into it, seeing it as a legal accompaniment to the big wedding the next day. We even chose to swap friendship bracelets instead of our rings, to separate the two ceremonies. We were offered the choice of music at the beginning of the signing, and before we knew it we were all in tears, us both, witnesses and even our registrar. The spirit and love of a ceremony will always be knocking wishing to come in, and perhaps because this was a part I wasn’t thinking too much about, she popped in there! The next day was beautiful and moving but it’s the unexpected will pop in somewhere.
In summary
I have a bigger understanding of how the pressures and realities of a wedding play out. And as a celebrant I am committed to trusting the spirit of the ceremony that emerges.
